wlecome to my private hell|
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|Tuesday, January 18th, 2005|
You know what….
Fuck North Korea
And fuck any other anti American government.
Australia your cool
UK is all right in my book
Heres to the good ‘ol boys of the USA
I SUPPORT MY TROOPS GIVE ‘EM HELL MARINES.
|Sunday, January 16th, 2005|
|hoo ha its been a while you fuckers
well since i ahvent bothered wiht this peice of crap here are mymost recent entries in my other journal.
Well I am out of jail and now I am on house arrest...oh well at least I'm home I guess. i will be on house areest until my next court date...in a month. They want to press TWO felony charges on me bullshit. I think I will swallow my pride and apologize to the fat people that got ripped off, and I will pay for any thing stolen. I will get a job and work a shitload of hours, if they drop the cahrges. Then I would be free and I can see Lelsie. Man I missed her something feirce while I was on the inside. I was always thinking of her, always on my mind.... I dont think she knows how much she means to me...she does. Well that is really all I have to say.
I also broke my hand in a fight before all this and there is a hit out on me.man my life got really better didnt it? fuck you
|Wednesday, September 29th, 2004|
|i hate me i hate love i hate you
I’m a fuck up, always have been a fuck up always will be, I hate my life and I hate me. Yet I have to live with who I am, I lost the most precious thing to me, over a stupid issue and I am left crushed and hollowed out, I cried so what? I am now left without emotion right now, I have lost the only reason of living, yet will I kill myself? The answer, no. no I wont, no need to kill myself, I figure if I did It wouldn’t change anything, if I did or if I didn’t, so why, you ask. Well because I figure life still has many thrills for me to seek, and I aim to find those thrills, I plan on living EVERY scenario a human could face. Once that is done, and then will my life be forfeit. I don’t want to grow old and if I am old then I haven’t fulfilled my life, and thus still seeking thrills. And being atheist I have no problem killing myself. There is no god, Satan, and Jesus Christ. No heaven or Hell. Once a life is over with its done, no more. I whish, I have never been conceived. Current Mood: exhausted
|Monday, September 20th, 2004|
|Shed no tears for me....my glory lives on
Today was asinine, that’s all I have to say. It was just really fucking stupid, oh well that is usually every day in the life of Matthew. Tomorrow is the GQE, which sucks because I still have to do it. Oh well best to get it out of the way sooner or later… any way, I talked to a girl in my English class today, she is pregnant, normally I frown upon teen pregnancy, and I don’t show them an ounce of sympathy, because in my own opinion if they were stupid enough to not use protection then, well you had it coming all you would be doing is screwing up another life that didn’t ask to be born, I know, I was the product of a broken condom, even though my parents were married they weren’t ready for me…which in the event led to the untimely divorce of my parents, my fault, don’t care no more. Today was different, this girl is pregnant for her third time, THIRD TIME. But every time she did get pregnant she miscarried, which is sad, but now she is not going to miscarry I was somewhat glad for her, and I guess her situation could be better considering were she is at, she has a devoted boyfriend who will take care of her and does now, which is always a good thing, she has a car and money so it could be worse, I hope this kid and her make it I really do…”what? Matt is wishing someone well for once?! What next? The pope turns gay??” yea sorry but I hope she does make it… and maybe I have been ignorant enough not to let these teens explain themselves, in some cases anyway, ‘cause most kids my age are friggin dim-witted dumb-asses who have no sense of forewarning. But what really gets me is how un patriotic kids my age are, I mean we are at fucking war here, and even if you don’t agree with the war or the president, for Christ sake support your troops these people are dying over there for your worthless ass, to fight for what you have in your home and to make sure no one will take it. That is why I am joining the Marine Corps, I am not doing for you, I could give a shit about you, I am doing for the red, white, and blue, for my country, for my government, I believe that I would be fighting for freedom and democracy, that is what I will be fighting for I will be fighting out there while you are asleep in your king-size bed, while your BMW is parked in the driveway. You know its really unnerving that so many people would rather have some country kick us around then actually step up and fight back, pussies, whenever some one says I’m stupid for joining up I will retort with: your stupid for not joining up, go move to Canada you hippie, or better yet I don’t want you close to my country go to Europe with the other European puss bags, like the French. OHHHHH the French they piss me off something fierce, I think we should nuke them, we saved their assess so many times and they treat us like shit, Man we should’ve let the Viet-cong kill off all of them while they held province in Vietnam. Oh well, I am going to be a Marine soon, and I cant wait. I shouldn’t sit here and whine about the un-American youth of today, there are people respect me for that, hell the other day I was talking to a man of the elderly and I told him I am going to join the Corps and fight for my country, well he smiled his old man smile and I looked at his face and really took in every wrinkle and found out each wrinkle held a story to it… I saw for the first time genuine wisdom and knowledge he had, I saw it in his old man blue eyes, still blue and fierce as if her were no more than 18, but had the posture and wisdom of an old man. He shook my hand and said why cant kids be more like me; well I just swelled with pride. I haven’t shared this with any one but now, this took place in June, and he was a man of 78. When he was younger he served 15 tours in Vietnam 14 of which were voluntary, he showed me all of his medals, he had five purple hearts, Silver Star, Navy’s Silver cross, and two Medal of Honor’s. He walked with the use of a cane. He still has shrapnel in his leg, and he has the very first bullet that he was hit by, it is crushed but it lays one his mantle, Blue, was his name, well actually is was David, but they called him blues, because he has the sharpest blue eyes, even at old age. And today I got a call from his daughter that, Old Blue, passed away in his sleep. I cried not because of his death but because of the fact that he was a hero, he fought for a country whose people turned their back on him, even now as I’m typing this I am starting to tear up, he was a good man. As my title states, “Shed no tears for me…my glory lives on.” Semper Fidelis Old Blue, Semper Fidelis.
1st Sgt David “Blue” Huskin Current Mood: calm
|Thursday, September 2nd, 2004|
|I HAVE A MESSEGE TO ALL THOSE ANT-AMERICAN BANDS/ AND OR CITEZENS…SUCK MY FAT ONE!!!
You know what all of these bands that are anti government/ anti bush are really pissing me off, they should move to fucking Canada, cause Canada sucks. Anti-flag, Green Day, Blink 182, AFI is all against this country. If I had the chance I would stab them all in the face with an ice pick and dance around their carcasses with a pigs head on a pike yelling “boobla boobla boobla boobla” because they have it fucking coming. These bands hate our country and government so much but they have no problem receive checks from the, hypocrites, this is a message to all of you pricks out there that hate my country or government, if I ever meet you I will kill you, I make that a threat and a promise…you can count on it
Matthew Current Mood: predatory
|Tuesday, August 17th, 2004|
|Im getting pissed off.
Y’know today sucked, I mean every day inst that great but today really blew ass, man, I got called ugly or another word for unattractive like eight times today, I mean I know I’m not the catch of the day but FUCK! Save some of my self-esteem please. Now, Lauren is REALLY pissed off at me. Because I said what was going down between us in another journal of mine, and now she is mad because that is something strictly between her and me. But it is MY FUCKING journal and I can write what I want. She said that I made her look like a bitch in front of ALL her friends, now that is not my fault, first off I didn’t know all of her fucking friends read my stupid journal, and if I had known that I wouldn’t have posted it, come on people its plain simple logic, now I not only lose the girl I once loved but I also lose a close friend. THANK YOU GOD YOU FUCKING RAT BASTARD. That’s why I’m atheist. Fuck it pisses me off. You know I understand that I will never be with her, I accept that and in so I am moving on, I am going to find some one else to date, and hopefully get laid, with their consent of course. you know people I am not a bad guy really, I’m cool to hang with in small groups maybe three or four people, I’m funny, I’m nice, I am just a misunderstood loner, if you start talking to me and I don’t know you it will take a while but I will eventually warm up to you. From now on my goal is to find a girls that will like me for me, and I known I will like her for her, and get laid and smoke some pot and be happy, I don’t want to worry about Lauren any more I’m done with her. LOOK OUT LADIES CAUSE MATTHEWS ON THE PROWL. Ok maybe not I am unattractive, but I guess I will have to make do.
Matthew Current Mood: anxious
|Sunday, August 15th, 2004|
We talked about it…and we talked for over two hours about it, and she said no. she said if we were to get together she would have to be serious, and she doesn’t want serious. She said that there is too much pressure in a relationship, I told her a thousand times I wouldn’t care what she did I would still be here, but she said she couldn’t. I wont be going out with her and I never will…. I guess if I love her REALLY love her, as much as I do, I will let her go. I will but she will always own my heart and I don’t care, no one can ever re-place her, al I know is that I will never feel it again. Well I’m of to try and cheer myself up. I’m such a fool to believe my luck could pick up.
Mathew Current Mood: crushed
|Thursday, August 12th, 2004|
|I guess I back trakced....heh.
Well, I’m gonna be ballsy. I don’t care if any of you know that I love Lauren, I want o be with her so bad… I would give up my entire possessions climb any mountain, swim the ocean, wrestle an alligator, shake hands with a Canadian…anything I would do anything for her, that is why I am writing what I call my “confession letter” I spent two days on it writing how I feel about her, I know I’m an idiot, heh I stole the two memorable quotes from Jerry Maguire. She hasn’t seen it before so what damage am I doin? Ok I want you guys who read my journal to tell me how it sounds before I send it out:
What’s up, I’m ok… I talked to nick, and I asked him what he was saying to you, and I found out some interesting stuff, that sometimes you like other and me times your not sure…. Lauren, I still like you, I have as much feelings for you as I did the day we broke up over a year ago, and something has to be up if I still have the same feelings for you after so long, I don’t expect you to share those same feeling towards me. I am your friend and always will be, but I want more I want to be your boyfriend I know if we got together that I would do ANYTHING for you. I don’t want to force you into anything, but I honestly think it could work out between us. I know we have been friends for a long time I would’ve asked you out in May, but Whitney said I have to give it some time, Lauren if I hadn’t talked to Whitney that night I swear to god I would have asked you out right then and there. I care for you a lot more than I should care for a friend, Lauren you mean everything to me. In late December of 2002 you had me at Hello. Lauren you complete me. I want you to know that, Lauren, I want to go out with you, I dream about kissing you again, I dream about holding you in my arms like I used to do so long ago, Lauren I want to be with you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. If we went out again, I promise I wouldn’t change who I am, I would be more intimate with you yes, but I would still be the same Matt you’ve always loved. Like I said I know we’ve been friends for too long, but friends get together all the time and have the most successful relationships, and if we do go out and we just end up breaking up then I would know it wasn’t ment to be, and I would still be your friend NOTHING will ever change that…I may not be a poet, or an artist or an English major, but I have unconditional love and loyalty to you, in will be faithful to you and honest. Lauren we talk about our imperfections, in my eyes you are beautiful, you are perfect because of your imperfections. When I think of you my heart beats faster, when I talk to you online my stomach starts to flutter, when we talk on the phone I feel in a daze. When we see each other my body feels heavy my breathing quickens, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I think of you when I wake up my last thought that goes through my mind, is, you. I know there are a lot of guys that like you, but we used to have something between us, and I think my feelings are genuine. I love being your friend, but want to be your boyfriend. I would do anything you would ask me to Lauren, I know this sounds pathetic but you own my heart. If your not sure about it now, but later on in the year or as long as we know each other I will be here, waiting… don’t worry about me getting another girl cause as of now I don’t want any one else, no other girl can compare to you Lauren. Never.
With love forever and always
Ok well there it is…I’m preparing for the worst and hoping for the best…wish me luck.
Matthew Current Mood: nervous
|Monday, August 9th, 2004|
|Hmmm, the depths of my mind work in mysterious ways…
I’m not sure of what I should do, I’m getting confused…one moment I think Lauren is really into me and other times I’m not sure. I know its wrong, but I asked a friend of mine to talk to her about me, discreetly, what I got back wasn’t necessarily bad, but it wasn’t great news… she said to nick( my friend) that she sometimes likes me but other times she isn’t sure, which explains what in just aid…but she loves me, then he went on to tell me that when she really does want to be with me it will be too late, that I may just forget her and find someone else…well that wont happen for LONG time, because I’m in love with her and I don’t want any one else, yea I know its pathetic, oh well. I’m just confused, I’m thinking of writing an e-mail telling her how much I care for her and why I would be a good boyfriend to her… I would tell her in person or on the phone but I’m too much of a pussy to do that…but what do you guys who read my journal think that I should do, should I just give up and push all my feeling don and ignore them or should I act on them and find out if we should back together…man love is confusing.
Matthew Current Mood: confused
|Friday, August 6th, 2004|
|I was more busy than a dyke in a hardware store...
I have bad luck with women
Its all my fault
When a women says those three special words it changes the relationship,
Those words are…..
I have gas
Some say I look like fat Jesus
Not phat Jesus
A hooker does not like to snuggle after sex
Kissing me is like making out with a welcome mat
When I leave the house me mom tells me to call her in case of something good happening
Have you ever been so drunk were you pissed the bed, not necessarily sleeping in it just standing over it and pissing on it.
When I make out with a woman I whisper into her ear “will you touch my vagina?” then she looks at me and says “WHAT!?” and I say “that’s what your supposed to ask”.
I want to be a racecar passenger…
You know the guy who sits next to the driver bugging him
And saying “I have to go to the bathroom, why are we going so fast lets slow down, when can we turn right, wow you must like Tide”
One time I took some LSD and I saw a snake in the back yard…so I grabbed a shovel and killed it, I didn’t have cable for a week.
One time I took some shrooms, and I went to the park
I deiced to take off my shoes and frolic through the grass,
And the trees and flowers were talking to me telling me I was safe and I will be ok, and they will watch my shoes…
One time I drank a bottle of Windex, my pee was blue and smelled like ammonia
One time I drank a bottle of dish soap…when I farted a brown bubble came out
I was driving on the highway and a sign said "left lane closed" soi went somewere else.
If you just read this you just wasted approximately 3 minutes of your life Current Mood: apathetic
|All ye who despair await…..
My blood flows through my veins faster than a speeding bullet….cursing through non stop due to a beating heart. The one and only can set a fire ablaze in my minds eye yet she cannot touch me…. though she is drawn to someone else I have been left blind in the dark…and I have something to say…fuck her.
|Wednesday, August 4th, 2004|
|I'm an atheist...DEAL WITH IT!!!
Ok I’m going to try and convert couple of you out there I know I’m evil hahahaha ok here we go.
The Riddle of Epicurus
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
Makes a lot of sence doesn’t it?
When an objection
cannot be made formidable,
there is some policy in
trying to make it frightful;
and to substitute the yell
and the war-whoop,
in the place of reason,
argument, and good order.
-- Thomas Paine
We only live once we should do what we want…it is through human power and intelligence that we find the “inner strength” that we precede and survive and make advancements…come on people. You expect me to believe that there is an invisible man or women living in the sky that watches closely, and has a list of ten things we cant do and if we do any of those things, we go to a place were we burn and are in pain fore ever and ever until the end of time…. but he loves us? Please I’m not that stupid folks. If this is the best world god can make, the stories of Heaven must be lies. Godism had to be fought when humankind made its successive steps toward science, liberty, and reform. There is my post don’t like then don’t read my fuckin journal ass wipe…
Matthew Current Mood: content
|Saturday, July 31st, 2004|
do you liberal pussyleft wing hippie bitches know what the Iraq war is, and you down yto earth confuesd american who just wants anwers well leave a commetn i will tell you why were there what we plan on acheiving and why Final Fantasy VII is the best RPG out there.
Matthew Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, July 18th, 2004|
i love lauren...:( Current Mood: crushed
|Friday, July 16th, 2004|
|I DONT GIVE A DAMN
IF YOU DONT LIKE ME THEN I DONT LIKE YOU CAUSE YOUR NOT LIIKE ME SOOOO
FUCK OFF!!!!!!>:( Current Mood: predatory
|Sunday, July 11th, 2004|
IM SOO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa! Current Mood: pissed off
|Sunday, July 4th, 2004|
I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands:
one Nation under God, indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for all. Current Mood: thankful
|Tuesday, June 29th, 2004|
|well back to me old self...kinda
So yea not much here…I guess my little gloominess over Lauren has just past. The hurt is still there but at least I can stifle it down…but lets go astray from the topic shall we…ok now boys and girls I got a little story to tell all of you’s so here it goes.
I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert that night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love. It had been a while. In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10. I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops. Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips, milky white skin, and baby blue eyes. Name was Russell.
Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave," this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock. Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer." Well, she smiled, had about as much teeth as a jack-o-lantern, and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask as I do my little kooky dance. And then she told me to shush. I guess she could sense my desperation. Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.
So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true. So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is jackhammerin' Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something resemblin' a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus' tummy-tum?" Well, ten beers, twenty minutes, and thirty dollars later I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean. Got to nail her back at her trailer. Heh that rhymes. I have to admit, it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin, and slid on into The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop. There I was browsin' through the latest issue of Throb, when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped. So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. You cannot imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the one-eyed gopher when you're doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?…
Yes a lap dance is somuch better when the stripper is cryin. There is no greater thrill when she grinds me against her will…
Sempr Fi Current Mood: awake
|Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004|
|I'm like Shrek...except my ogre tale has no happy ending...
oh great another pathetic post... I love lauren...she doenst love me...the story of my life, has got me so fucked up. I hate me I hate my life…I whish I were over. I’m a weak person, mentally and physically… why cant I be someone else why does this shit have to happen to me, what did I do wrong… y’know I can get over the fact that Lauren will never love me… problem is will I be able to love any other girl, doubt it. Whish I was emotionless…. no people need to live with emotions. If I could have just one wish one wish at all…it would be for a chance to have Lauren love me…her face haunts my dreams every night. Her beautiful big brown eyes haunt me when I fall asleep, when I wake up…and during the day she never leaves my mind or my soul…people ask me if I believe in soul mates… I dunno any more… ‘Cause when I finally think I found her… it turns out that she isn’t… if there is someone for every one… then must have ment every one except ME…or maybe there is someone for me but she died before I got to meet her…who know, all I know is that I will die alone, either of old age living in a retirement village, a sad and angry old man condemned to a wheelchair. Or (hopefully this one) on the battlefield fighting for my county’s honor that would be a good way to go I guess, consider I wont love anyone else again…well time for me to go cry…and any one who makes fun of me for that can go suck a fuck,
Matthew Current Mood: lonely
|Monday, June 21st, 2004|
|time to take a break from my pitiful life
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I lovable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
25 1/2. When was the last time you cryed and why?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?